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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24397177">Lights Down Low</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atsalini/pseuds/Atsalini'>Atsalini</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:55:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,159</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24397177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atsalini/pseuds/Atsalini</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I don’t know if you are aware of the effect you have on me, how with a flick of your wrist you have me paralyzed and unable to form a coherent thought, let alone a single sentence. How is it that I can command a room full of rookies, have their immediate respect but when you smile at me I feel like a little girl?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>94</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Lights Down Low</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I.</p><p>You come and go as you please. You don’t own a key to my apartment but I leave the door unlocked anyway. I know that you will come creeping inside, sneaking and ducking in the shadows till you reach my bed.</p><p>Most of the time you’re sober but sometimes you’re drunk, your lips stained with cheap Bourbon, cigarette smoke lingering on your clothes, clinging to the fabric from whatever bar you have been to before you come around. I hate when the disgusting smell of nicotine and desperation cover up your scent.</p><p>I pretend that I don’t really care when you climb into my bed, hastily fumbling with my shorts. Sometimes you are so hurried that they don’t even make it past my thighs. Tonight’s not one of those nights. I hear the quiet thud of my underwear dropping to the floor next to the bed and it might be quiet but to my ears it rings like deafening gun shots.</p><p>I pretend that your kisses don’t feel like they’re scorching my skin whenever I am being touched by them. I feel your teeth sinking hard into my skin, the sharp sting causing my blood to pulse in my ears and it might be the only thing indicating that you are really writhing above me, heavily breathing against me and not some ghost my mind has made up.</p><p>It’s nights like this one where I am second guessing my decision to this friends with benefits concept. How wrong I was to have faith in my heart to handle this body and mind numbing torture I am going through whenever I lay awake at night, waiting for the door knob to twist and for you to climb into bed with me.</p><p>It never happens at day light, only at night where we can’t see each other, where heavy breaths get lost and darkness swallows your hoarsely whispered name. Where you aren’t able to see the pain flashing in my eyes. But it just takes one press of your lips against mine and my mind stops thinking altogether.</p><p>We don’t really talk about this arrangement, I haven’t even told Kara and I tell her everything. When we see each other while we’re working it’s like we’re two different people, professional and not two people that occasionally sleep with each other. Our relationship is still the same, the playful banter is still there. And when we are out with our friends I try to erase the pictures of you arching beneath me, pulling my hair and moaning out my name, no one is supposed to know. As far as everyone is concerned you and I are friends. Just friends.</p><p>But it has gotten harder to ignore the weight that seems so latch itself onto my body whenever I am in your presence and see you get hit on by other girls that hand you their phone number. It is a small victory when you show up at my door after you leave them behind at the bar. It might as well be a drop in the ocean with how little this victory manages to soothe me. But it’s still better than nothing at all.</p><p>Dark hair tickles against my cheek, nails scratch underneath my shirt before I feel it being lifted. You sit up and I- like a puppet being led by its puppeteer- follow. Almost automatically my arms lift and seconds later my shirt lands exactly where my underwear has been thrown just mere minutes ago.  I fumble with the buttons of your shirt, I am desperately trying to regain some of the control that I have been losing for a few weeks now, ever since we have started to teeter the line between fuck buddies and more which neither of us has the courage to acknowledge.</p><p>It’s almost like a game, see who’s going to crack first. I have grown up thinking that feelings make me weak, love is a battle field and I don’t realize that I am already a casualty. I don’t realize that I am so far in deep that I can’t even see and feel anything besides you, Maggie.</p><p>You hold onto me for dear life, almost like I am going to vanish beneath your fingertips if you don’t hold me tight enough. I stroke through your hair, the dark locks trickle through my fingers like water, soft and steady and I lean up, pressing our lips together into a desperate kiss that is all teeth and tongue. I bite down hard, almost drawing blood and you let out a hiss that makes me shiver in satisfaction.</p><p>My hands dip lower, fingertips marking a gentle path from your shoulder blades down to the bra where I unhook it effortlessly. Your skin radiates heat that spreads through me like a wildfire and it’s so easy to get lost in you that I forget where we are and that tomorrow I will wake up, go to work and pretend like nothing has happened.</p><p>It feels like a dance that we have been dancing for a while now, our movements are familiar, I know what to do to make your breath hitch or what spot I have to latch my teeth onto in order to receive that animalistic growl that reverberates against my lips. It’s easy to get you to physically react how I want you to. But when it comes to getting anything intimate or emotional out of you it feels like I have to translate a book that is written in a foreign language that I can’t decipher. Analyzing DNA sequences of alien species is nothing compared to that.</p><p>It may be like dancing but that doesn’t mean I like how we dance. Because one of us has to lead and since I am the weaker one I concede most of the time, allowing you to set the pace that we’re dancing to, usually fast and hurried so that it will be over soon.</p><p>But tonight it drags and I find myself getting lost in you, I hear my own slamming heart beat and the blood rushing through my body at a pace that can easily compete with Kara’s inhuman one. And I give in again, letting you push me back against the mattress and your lips start trailing kisses on my skin from the neck, slowly reaching my chest and your tongue darts out, tasting skin. Your hands try to grope and touch everything at once but there’s so much skin, you only have two hands and the night is not as long as either one of us would like.</p><p>And then there’s heat building and your hands find their way between my legs and I hate that I give in so easily, hate that I let you control me without resistance. Your mouth is right next to my ear, I can hear you breathing as heavily as I am and I have had enough of it. My hands release the vice grip on the bed sheets and grope at you instead, moving between your legs. If I am going to crack tonight, so are you, Maggie. This is a two way street that I have been walking alone for too long.</p><p>Heavy breaths turn to hoarse moans, movements become more frantic and I so desperately want to be able to see your face more clearly. National City’s lights are not nearly enough to illuminate the room and I really try to catch a glimpse but I can’t see anything besides your dark hair and then almost as sudden as your arrival tonight my eyes close and I can’t feel anything but the tidal wave crashing over me. Your name escapes from my lips until it turns into a mantra until I am sure that I have repeated it a million times.</p><p>And eventually you roll off me and I am trying to catch my breath and I don’t know how someone so warm can suddenly turn so cold. The bed sheets move aside and your bare feet hit the floor, filling the room with soft pitter patter as you collect your clothes. I feel bare, emotionally drained out and I pretend that I don’t really care that you never stay the night or that I am probably just being played with, a game that I haven’t really figured out and am never really going to be good at.</p><p>I want to tell you to stay, just once. Maybe for one night we can pretend that we don’t just fuck, that we love each other but then you are slipping into your boots and my words die in my throat as I watch you walk through the door. I hold my breath and only dare to breathe again when I hear your motorcycle speed into distance until it’s just an echo in my head.</p><p> </p><p>II.</p><p>The next time we see each other is at a crime scene three days later. You flash me that cheeky grin that infuriates me whenever I see it and it almost feels like everything is alright. But it isn’t and it shows when you lean just a bit closer to me when I’m examining the dead alien body, teasing and challenging. As though you are trying to test the borders, see how far you can go with me. It’s the first time you acknowledge us two being physically intimate even though there are people around us.</p><p>There’s just something about you when you are working. Whenever you have your badge attached to your belt and this surge of confidence flows right through you and you stand just a bit taller but I see right through that act. I know how soft you can be and that you try to act tough to hide it.</p><p>But I notice how people around you react to it because they don’t know, how the new girl that is supposed to collect the evidence flirts with you. Giggles at whatever you say and reaches out to touch you. I see right through your act, Maggie, and you can’t fool me.</p><p>And it’s later that night when we stumble through my apartment after a night out at the dive bar that this little victory boosts my ego enough to not let you take charge tonight. I forcefully push you onto the bed and don’t even pull your pants down before I slide my hand into them.</p><p>You growl and your teeth sink into the slope of my shoulder as I tease you, make you beg until you say my name. Not Danvers, but Alex. And I continue that until it is the only thing I hear, not the cars passing outside, not my neighbors having a heated fight above my apartment. Just you, growling my name.</p><p>This little game continues until the sun starts showing on the sky, it’s still fairly dark but it’s the longest you have ever stayed. I fall exhausted back onto my sheets, trying to catch my breath. I want to say something but as always I don’t know what to tell you when we are in the privacy of my room. It’s easy to talk to you when we are out getting lunch or drinks but weights drop down on my chest when you lay naked next to me.</p><p>Sleep tries settling onto my body, hugging my brain like a blanket but I try to fight it, hoping to savor the moment with you a little longer. You rub your eyes, adjusting to the dim light in the room and you check the time on your phone before you sit up, bed sheet held in front of you as though I have never seen you naked.  You don’t have to say anything but the rejection hits me harder than a punch ever could.</p><p>My hand reaches out but I don’t touch you. I stop midair, trying to find anything to say before I am able to open my mouth to speak.</p><p>“Stay.” I say, it’s a hoarse whisper and for a moment I question if you even heard me because you don’t seem to react at all. But then your phone lands on the nightstand and you lay back down on your side, staring at me. I swallow hard, looking right back at you. Maybe if I look hard enough I’ll catch a glimpse of your feelings, if there are any directed towards me at all.</p><p>We don’t cuddle. That would be too intimate for this arrangement that we have going on but I wish I could slide just a bit closer to you, feel your warmth seeping through my body and the comfort that you provide me with. And maybe if I listen close enough maybe I’ll hear that your heart is beating as fast as mine. But I can’t and I give in to sleep, your dark eyes the last thing on my mind.</p><p>The next time I wake up you are gone.</p><p> </p><p>III.</p><p>Three or maybe four? That’s how many double bourbons I’m already in while staring at you flirting with this girl at the pool table. You’re close, closer than I’d like and you smirk, that dimpled smile that makes everyone swoon. And boy, does this girl swoon. And boy, do I want to throw up.</p><p>Kara is doing that thing again where she knows something is wrong and is staring at me, hoping to figure out what exactly it is that is bothering me. After all X-Ray vision doesn’t work with feelings. It’s something she has always done and it’s something I have always hated. It puts me on the spot even though she doesn’t say anything.</p><p>I avert my eyes when the girl touches your arm and I know how this is going to end between you two. You’re going to go home together and I down the rest of my drink angrily before slamming the glass onto the table. For a moment everyone at the table quietens and looks at me startled and concerned. But I just get up, mumble something about getting another drink and walk up to the bar.</p><p>M’gann looks at me with that same pitying look that everyone musters me with when they know I try to drink away my problems. She glances down at the bills I hold out and she shakes her head, sliding a glass of water in front of me instead of the bourbon I came for.</p><p>“That’s not what I ordered.” I say, angry that everyone is trying to patronize me, tell me what to do and how I am supposed to feel. There’s this hot sensation cursing through me, anger I haven’t been able to let out for so long and now I am about to lash out at M’gann, my friend who is trying to look out for me.</p><p>M’gann’s answer comes in the form of a raised eye brow and I know what that means. She isn’t going to serve me any more drinks. I leave the water untouched, too angry to say anything else and I turn around. I just need to get home or else I am going to start going insane, or worse start a fight, if I have to endure you and this girl flirting with each other a second longer.</p><p>I stumble through the door and only when the night air hits me do I realize how tipsy I really am. I fumble through my pocket, trying to find my car keys and come up with nothing but a folded napkin where Winn and I have been playing tic-tac-toe on.</p><p>“Fuck!” I curse and the few people walking down the street look weirdly at me.</p><p>This wondering about us and this situation between us is slowly starting to drive me insane. And I just don’t understand why we can’t just open our mouths and talk about it. There are so many things I ache to tell you, thoughts that run through my mind, little daily interactions that I want to share the story with. If you wanted to hear I would talk your ear off.</p><p>The irony that two of the most closed off people have found each other is so frustrating that I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. Or both.</p><p>And tonight I make a mental note, add another thing I just don’t understand no matter how hard I try to: You.</p><p>Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.</p><p>The only woman despite my sister who has caused me more headaches than I can count. I can’t take this back and forth with you, this hot and cold behavior that you only seem to direct towards me. One second you pull me in, kiss me softly and the next something switches and you push me away and leave once you are done with me.</p><p>I don’t know how I got into this mess, how I let myself lose control like that.</p><p>“Shit.” The curb is still wet from the rain a few hours ago when I sit down but all I feel is this mind numbing frustration. I just want to get home and now I’m sitting in front of a dive bar, drunk and trying not to cry.</p><p>“Looking for these?” I see your boots before anything else and seconds later you are sitting next to me, holding out the keys I have been looking for. You don’t seem to care that the concrete underneath you is wet. You just look at me concerned and I feel like I’m radiating hurt and despair.</p><p>“I just want to go home.” The answer is fairly short in comparison to the endless stream of words that run through my mind whenever I see you. I wonder if this is always going to be like that. If I am always going to live in this constant mess just because I love you and you don’t love me back. If it’s always going to hurt like an someone punched me in the gut or if I am always going to feel like you are trying to pry open my ribcage to get to my heart whenever you talk to me.</p><p>You toy with a key chain, a tiny silver moon that goes with a sun that Kara gave me when I first got my apartment, she has the matching part dangling from her key. It’s not as shiny and new as it used to be but you handle it as though it’s the most valuable thing in this world. You look contemplative and then you glance up at me and for a second I think you are going to say something that is going to shift my world completely- not that it doesn’t happen whenever you smile at me- but instead you get up, wipe your pants and extend a hand towards me. </p><p>“C’mon, Danvers. I’ll drive you home.” I don’t argue, the anger from earlier has drained me from all energy to do anything but comply with you. I take your hand so you can help me up and I think you’re going to drop it again but then you slip your fingers through mine and start guiding me towards my car.</p><p>I try to ignore the knot in my stomach and try not to think about how just mere minutes ago you were inside, flirting with a woman that wasn’t me. For a moment I pretend that this is my new reality, a life where you are mine and hold my hand and kiss me in the middle of the sidewalk because you feel like it, a reality where you whisper ‘I love you’s’ in my ear because you just want to share it with me.</p><p>I can almost picture my life with you, lazy weekends and work filled nights, trying to solve a case as a team and game nights at Kara’s. I can almost taste the coffee on your lips in the mornings and the red wine when we have dinner at your apartment. Maybe somewhere in this multiverse theory there is a world where you and I are together.</p><p>But then we reach the car and you drop my hand and the bubble bursts. I suddenly feel so incredibly tired and all I want is to sleep till these feelings for you disappear. As soon as the door is closed I rest my head against the window. The rain drop stained glass is cool against my skin and it helps me calm a bit.</p><p>When you get into the car the first thing you do is adjust the seat to your size. A smile tugs at my lips but I don’t let you see it. Sometimes I feel like an open book around you, depending on my mood the pages change and today I feel like if you tried to read me you would see the pages where I confess that I love you and as much as I’d like you to know I am aware that it’s not possible.</p><p>I hear the clicking of the seatbelt which stops my train of thoughts and then you start the car.</p><p>“What’s her name?” I ask and even though you don’t turn around to look at me, I know that you don’t know what I’m talking about. Or you pretend, I can’t see your face clearly enough in the barely lit darkness.</p><p>“What do you mean?” You halt the car at a traffic light, its light baths my car in red and I stare at you until you finally turn around to look at me. My heart starts hammering in my chest, it’s incredibly tiring how you always cause a cosmic shift in my body.</p><p>“The girl that you were talking to back at the bar.” I am not sure if I want to know but I ask anyway. It’s one thing to see you flirting with other women and another thing to talk with you about it. But I can’t help it, it’s a masochist thing to do.</p><p>Your grip on the steering wheel tightens, you look like you don’t really want to talk about it or maybe it’s guilt that I’m seeing. But then again if it is I don’t know what could cause it. I bite my lip, you don’t know how much I want to kiss you.</p><p>“To be honest I don’t know. I wasn’t listening to most of the things she was talking about.” Your eyes drift to your lap and I don’t know what to do with the information other than accept it silently. The light turns green and just like that the conversation is over.</p><p>Sometimes when I look at you I have the desire to be able to just have a look into your thoughts. It doesn’t have to be permanent, I just want a peek in order to understand you. You are so guarded around people, even to those who care about you and just want to get to know you better.</p><p>Only when you’re drunk do I sometimes catch a glimpse of you. When the whiskey slows down your tongue and you start slurring. You never say something specific, just bitter statements about your family, sometimes about a girl- Elisa Wilkey- and it doesn’t take the smartest person on the planet to understand that people have screwed you over, Maggie.</p><p>And I always try to find a way to understand, try to find a way to convince you that not everyone is trying to hurt you- especially me. But I don’t know if you are blind or just choose to ignore that there are people out there who deeply care about you. And I don’t know how else to convince you rather than completely give in to you.</p><p>“Do you think she was pretty?” I restart the conversation and the exasperated sigh that leaves your lips is indication enough about your disdain towards the topic.</p><p>“Why does it matter, Danvers?” Your eyes leave the empty road for a second to look at me but I can’t read you no matter how hard I try. I shrug because continuing with an answer would be a dead giveaway. The only thing I wanted to hear was that you didn’t notice because I was on your mind, just like you are on mine whenever I meet a woman that might be interested in me and I reject them.</p><p>So it doesn’t matter, not if it isn’t going to change anything between us.</p><p>We spend the rest of the ride in silence. I don’t have the energy to talk to you anymore. Not when the alcohol buzz makes me want to confess or kiss you. There’s nothing in between with you. It’s either ride or die and even though it is something I admire most about you, it’s also something that makes me incredibly mad.</p><p>You park the car in front of my apartment building and shut the engine off. Without its humming in the background we are left in awkward silence and it almost feels like the first night where we had sex. I was fresh off the boat and you regretted it the second you rolled off me. It’s really astounding how someone so close to me can hurt me this much without even using one word.</p><p>I stay seated as you get out of the car and round it until you open my door.</p><p>“C’mon, Danvers.” You say and suddenly you lean closer. I stare at you, you’re eyes are dark and you look tired. More exhausted than usual, like the world has decided to drop its whole weight onto your shoulders. Your perfume invades my nostrils, your breath smells like bourbon and for a split of a second I think you’re going to kiss me, I want to lean closer but then my seat belt clicks and you lean back, bringing distance between us.</p><p>You hand me back my keys once I am standing on the curb and the door is closed. I play with the moon before I finally dare to look at you.</p><p>“Thanks.” I start and the next sentence feels like torture. “But I think I can manage the rest on my own.”</p><p>The sentence leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth and I barely manage to continue looking at you as you take a step back, obviously hurt. It’s hard but I don’t know how else I can get you out of my mind if I don’t start pushing you away. You cross your arms in front of your chest, your facial expression as stoic as Mona Lisa’s smile and you nod.</p><p>“See you around, Danvers.”  You say and only when I see you walk around the corner do I finally open the door to the building.</p><p> </p><p>IV.</p><p>I don’t see or hear anything from you the next three days and I have to admit that this break from you is both: torture and relief at the same time. I try not to think of you, try not to feel disappointed when I lay in my bed and the bed sheets don’t smell like you or when I wait for the door to open and you to climb into my bed.</p><p>This deafening silence in my apartment is making me crazy and I continue teetering the line between screaming madly in rage or just crying in frustration. Nothing is relieving this tension in my body, nothing is lifting this weight off my shoulders and nothing seems to help calm my nerves even though I try.</p><p>I try so hard to make myself feel anything but horrible but it just remains a futile attempt.</p><p>And it’s three days where I don’t hear or see anything from you and it almost feels like an eternity before I stumble into you at one of our crime scenes. It is raining and you have the hood of your NCPD jacket drawn over your head, a dark shadow falling over your face. I can’t see you and you don’t seem to be intent on talking to me more than necessary or interact with me besides strictly professional.</p><p>Kara appears next to me with her reporter badge and an umbrella but it doesn’t really matter, my hair is already drenched, thick drops find their way into my shirt and I don’t know if I am shivering because it’s chilly or because you are so cold.</p><p>I take one last look at you, you are talking to one of your colleagues as he scribbles something down onto his notepad and for a second our eyes meet. It’s the first time that you really take a second to look at me since we have been at the same place and I hate how it makes my heart try to fight its way out of my ribcage. Your eyes are dull and dark, this look you give me is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It makes me feel like we’re strangers and I turn away in an attempt to shake this interaction off.</p><p>“I think we’re done here.” I say and Kara doesn’t have time to register that I am leaving before I climb into my car and leave you behind.</p><p> </p><p>V.</p><p>I am not used to feeling uneasy and unsure. Sometimes I wake up and I am aware of this hollow feeling inside of me, tugging at my intestines and making my heart speed up with anxiety that shouldn’t be there. Life goes on slowly when you feel like you are waiting for something to happen, for the other shoe to drop.</p><p>It feels a bit like Kara during her first summer on earth when we spent time in an abandoned bay in Midvale, trying to let pebbles skid on the water surface so that Kara could learn to control her powers. Instead she flung one so hard it crashed against one of the cliffs surrounding the bay and broke a piece off of it.</p><p>And I’ve been waiting on you for some time as the days go by excruciatingly slow. I look at the clock thinking an hour has passed but in reality it’s only been five minutes where I check my phone for new messages, hoping that you are going to text me. Even if you are just going to tell me what you are having for lunch today.</p><p>Growing up with a sister with superpowers and having to protect her has made me strong and there are many aspects in my life where I feel confident and sure. Yet you have left me feeling so powerless I barely recognize myself.</p><p>I don’t know if you are aware of the effect you have on me, how with a flick of your wrist you have me paralyzed and unable to form a coherent thought, let alone a single sentence. How is it that I can command a room full of rookies, have their immediate respect but when you smile at me I feel like a little girl?</p><p>How can a grown, confident woman have two versions of herself inside of her and not get it together when it matters?</p><p>It’s not easy when I think about it but it’s time that I finally regain some of the control back I have been losing ever since I met you. So I strip my bed of the sheets and wash them twice in hope to get rid of your scent.</p><p>And as they turn in the dryer I do something I haven’t done in a while. I lock my door and hope that if I lock my heart too you won’t be able to get inside again.</p><p> </p><p>VI.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” Kara asks me one day during sisters’ night. Her feet are propped up onto the coffee table in front of her, a carton of Chinese take-out with chopsticks sticking out is balanced on her thighs. The apartment is quiet, minus the occasional bustling of the city outside.  </p><p>I look at her, comfortable and warm next to me with her fuzzy socks and an oversized sweater. I am always taken aback how mature she can be one moment and then suddenly seem like this little girl our parents adopted years ago.</p><p>Usually she doesn’t ask me if she is allowed to ask a question so I nod timidly, already dreading which direction this conversation is taking.</p><p>“What is going on with you and Maggie?”</p><p>I feel the air leave my lungs. I haven’t heard your name in a while. It’s not the same as reading it on the phone screen and trying to ignore the somersault my heart does when I see it. I guess the talk is long overdue, seeing as Kara has been aware of something going on and waiting for me to tell her.</p><p>Maggie, you are the worst kept secret I have ever had.</p><p>I set aside my own dinner, I feel like I should be drinking more during this conversation so I lift my beer bottle up to my lips and take a generous gulp.</p><p>“Nothing anymore.” I say and judging by Kara’s raised eyebrow I know that this answers is as vague as it can get- I take another sip. “We used to sleep together, now we don’t anymore.”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“Well,” I start and immediately halt. Nothing happened or at least we haven’t talked about it. This is the thing between us two. We see each other and spend a few exciting hours together, play pool at the dive bar, easily flirting, then we fuck, you leave and it’s like nothing has happened at all because none of us has the guts to open our mouths.</p><p>So yes, nothing has happened but at the same times everything has happened.</p><p>“I don’t know, to be honest.” I finish my thought and if Kara wasn’t confused before then she definitely is now. I am, too. “I don’t even know how it started. One day we were playing pool and had a few drinks, shared a cab back home and it kind of happened. We have been sleeping with each other ever since.”</p><p>“Do you like her?”</p><p>Do I like you, Maggie? I am going insane over you, if I liked you everything would be easier but instead I am deeply in love with you and don’t know how to deal with the fact that you are as unreachable as the sun. </p><p>I let out a bitter laugh. “Fuck, Kara. I feel so much at the same time I don’t even know how to deal with it.”</p><p>“Have you talked to her about it?” Kara always makes everything sound so easy and I guess sometimes it is. At least when you’re not pairing two people who are good at most stuff they are doing, except talking.</p><p>The few weeks that have passed with us not talking have changed absolutely nothing. I can’t outrun this- you. No matter where I go or what I do my thoughts and feelings remain the same. Just because I try to ignore it, doesn’t mean it will go away.</p><p>“I can’t.” I admit quietly and with my eyes downcast I start picking at the label of the beer bottle.  “What if I don’t like the answer to all of this?”</p><p>Kara shrugs, moving closer on the couch until we are shoulder to shoulder.</p><p>“I understand that and I am not going to lie to you. There’s always a possibility that this is going to happen.” She pauses and lifts my chin until I am looking at her. Her eyes are warm and reassuring, her lips form into an encouraging smile. “But what if you like it?”</p><p> </p><p>VII.</p><p>I call you up on a Thursday, trying to ignore the way my heart hammers inside of my ribcage. The phone beeps exactly four times before you finally pick up and I didn’t know how much I missed you saying my name until I hear you say it on the other line.</p><p>You agree to meet me at the dive bar and your motorcycle is already parked outside when I finally arrive. You are wearing a loose white blouse that you have tucked into your jeans, always too skinny, and you are leaning over the pool table, racking up the balls. Your lips curve into a smile when you see me, waving me over.</p><p>The bar is filled today. M’gann looks busy behind the counter so I skip getting a drink and count the few steps until I reach you. The hug you greet me with is warm, yet unsure and I feel like you are aware of the insecurity and nervousness radiating off me.</p><p>“Long time no see, Danvers.” You say and I can’t help but feel like this is a jab at me ignoring every attempt you have made at reaching me the last few weeks. I am usually not this petty but this is the thing with you. You simultaneously bring out the best and worst in me.</p><p>I don’t know how you do this, no matter how many times I have seen you I am always nervous before we meet up.  A feeling that hasn’t disappeared ever since I entered the bar. I take a deep breath, licking my lips. I might as well get this over with.</p><p>“So, what’s up?” You stick out a cue for me to take and like the first step you took in initiating the conversation you line up the first shot, balls dancing messily over the green felt. If this were a normal interaction I would tease you about your horrible pool skills and you’d reply something cheeky that would make me want to kiss you. Today we skip that part.</p><p>“I can’t do this back and forth with you anymore.” I blurt out, all the confidence that Kara gave me days ago vanishes within a second of being in your orbit. I set the cue aside, I haven’t come here to play pool with you. And I am not sure if I should be offended by you assuming that we’d just go back to how things were after all this time. </p><p>With the cue gone the only thing my hands are left to do is fumble awkwardly until I shove them in my pockets. You stare at me, your eyes dark and unreadable, peering and prying at everything I will allow you to see. At this point I don’t care anymore, just take everything, Maggie, or leave it.</p><p>But I can’t anymore.</p><p>“The past few weeks I have lived in a constant state of anxiety. Every time I hear my neighbor’s door closing I cringe, thinking that it’s you. I am so exhausted of pretending that I don’t have any feelings. So I came here to tell you that I am done.”</p><p>The words rush out in a breathless manner, freeing me from the weight that I have been carrying around. Opening up is exhausting and terrifying but as I say all these words I feel myself being set free.</p><p>Your silence is intimidating and I don’t know what exactly I expected but I am disappointed by your lack of response. A glass breaks somewhere behind us, the bar goes silent momentarily before the chit chat of the patrons picks up again but neither of us moves.</p><p>I try to swallow the lump that has formed in my throat, suck in my lips in an attempt to stop the tears that I feel slowly prickling in my eyes. I hate crying and I hate feeling vulnerable, being in such a public place doesn’t make it any better so if you’re not going to say anything I won’t continue standing here.  I shake my head quietly, I need to get out of here.</p><p>One last good look in your direction and then I turn around, following the red light of the exit sign, pace quickening with every step I take until I shove through the door. As soon as it shuts out all the noise from inside I press my palms against my eyes. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.</p><p>This is why I usually don’t do feelings. If it works out it’s great but if it backfires it feels horrible. And this is why I always have such a hard time opening up. The repercussion of letting someone peer into your soul is simply too great.</p><p>Time will pass and I will stop hurting eventually but sometimes I wish I could keep my mouth shut. Sometimes all these feelings inside of me feel too big and too much for me to carry them around and I use the wrong coping mechanisms to deal with them.</p><p>And I don’t know why I cannot find something in between. I either don’t feel at all or too intensely. There’s never a healthy measure. I guess that’s the things with feelings, at some point they demand to be felt and no matter how hard I try I won’t be able to control them.</p><p>There’s just something about you that had me hooked from the start and from the first time we met I wasn’t able to stay away and trying to let go now is probably the hardest thing I will have to do.</p><p>“Danvers!” The door closes with a loud thud as you run outside, your steps hurried and boots heavy against the concrete. “This is it? You are just going to run away without letting me say anything in response?”</p><p>You sound agitated and angry. Usually something saved for coworkers that don’t their job correctly and jeopardize your case. This is the first time it is directed towards me and it catches me as off guard as you did from the beginning.</p><p>You walk up to me, closing the distance between us until you can wrap your hand around my wrist. Warm and sure, unlike your hug from earlier. And then you pull me closer, closer than you have ever been to me in public.</p><p>I almost forgot how tiny you are in person, I look down at you, see the way you bite your lip. Your perfume is still the same, light and intoxicating at the same time and it is so infuriating how I surrender to you so easily.</p><p>With your free hand you tug some of my errand strands behind my hair and then you close the remaining distance between us with a kiss so soft and sure it leaves me breathless the moment our lips touch.</p><p>I don’t know how long we stand there kissing, if there are people walking by we don’t notice them, too caught up with each other.</p><p>“Can I buy you a drink?” You ask when we come up for air, staying close to me, holding me firmly against you as though you are afraid I am going to leave again. I smile at you and instead of responding, I take your hand and pull you back into the bar.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well this has been long overdue, it was hidden somehwere in the depths of my files! Let me know what you think :)<br/>Also thanks to my favorite penguin for the help and encouragment!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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